It was around this time last year I started this blog. And for a while I was pretty good at keeping up with it. Because things were happening, and I wanted to both “let it out”, and document the journey.
I haven’t posted in months.
So here’s where we stand.
We quit the doctor’s appointments. The medicines. The treatments. (Still getting the bills, though. I think I finally got the last one yesterday.) That was my husband’s call- he was just done. And now that I’m even a few months out from it all, I can more clearly see how exhausting it all was.
Emotionally (although I can’t totally quit that part, let’s be honest). The stress of a failed natural cycle is so much less than that of a treatment cycle. And the absence of medicines and extra hormones clearly plays a role. Oh, I still cry. I still ugly cry even sometimes. But as a whole- I feel like I’m more emotionally stable. Hopefully my husband and closest friends would agree…
Physically. I don’t know how to describe this one. Maybe it’s 90% attributed to the nicer weather we’ve had now that Spring is here, making me feel more energized. Maybe it’s my commitment to that gluten free diet I started 6 months ago (that’s GOT to be it- surely I’m not just senselessly missing out on so many donuts!). I mean I’ve lost 5 pounds! I wore a dress last week that a year ago required Spanx underneath! Or maybe it’s that I’ve finally found that perfect combination of vitamins and supplements in my ever growing routine (insert eye roll…)
Financially. Ok this one is a slow process. The year of testing and treatments really added up (thanks for absolutely nothing, insurance!), and took a big toll on our bank account. I’m so thankful we’ve been able to keep up, and I know our costs pale in comparison to what some take on with more aggressive treatments. But it’s going to take us while to fully recover in this area. As a planner and overall worrier- I struggle with that immensely. Deep breaths, Ash… Moving on.
But here’s another totally huge reason we have taken a step back (and now even stopped trying completely): VACATION. My extended family planned a big cruise vacation about a year and a half ago. And it’s route- straight into Zika Country (cue horror movie scream track). I struggled with the idea of a break. For a long time. Actually up until the final payment was due last month. I know a lot of people would have advised us to cancel the trip. But we don’t do big vacations often. In fact we haven’t done a BIG vacation since our first year of marriage! That means our 4 year old has never seen the ocean. She’s never been on a plane. Heck we even had to get her a passport for this! Do you know how old I was before I needed a passport?!? (Yeah, yeah, the laws have changed since then, but still).
We knew we could continue to try for months and months and may still never get pregnant. But our little girl won’t be little forever. My cousin joining us on the trip will soon be in college- her brother just a few years behind. And they only see us every few years because they live so far away. The bottom line- the family that we have Right Now? Needs a freaking vacation.
So until after our trip and until we’re confident of being Zika-Free, we’ve waved the white flag in terms of trying to conceive. And will buy our weight in bug spray…